I made this.

Monday, April 26, 2010

A dollar late and a day short

I've often been asked, "Ben, what inspires you?" Well, if you came sprinting to this post to find the answer to that riddle, it behooves me to give you at least part of the answer: the prospect of free t-shirts.

Don't stop reading just because of the clearly weighty subject that are likely to be confronted today!

Ziploc brand bags: what are they on about? Well? This is one of just a handful of areas in which, if you do not spend the big money, you will be sorry. What's that? You buy Glad bags because they are cheaper, but every time you need to store roast beef you curse yourself and your decision-making ability? You are not alone. Safeway sandwich bags are even worse. Inevitably you will try to open a bag fresh out of the refrigerator and the end will rip, leaving you 1/32 of an inch to grab on to. At that point, you might as well get a pair of scissors or call the fire department, because this test of skill will only show that there is not a single thing you have done up to this point in your life that will assist you.

In general, stores today thrive on the fact that, for the most part, you are too lazy to do things on your own. Cheerio to you, however, if you are one of the few that looks at something in a store and say, "I could make that." If you are one of those people, rest assured that, in the case of a survivor-scenario, you will be one of the few to make it to the end of the story (and you may get to try your hand at cannibalism!).

The cartoon "Marmaduke" is not currently funny, has not been at all funny in the past and, from the looks of things, will not be funny in the future. Sorry, Marm, but we can tell from the premise of the comic strip alone that you are a large dog that sometimes does things that are unexpected (but not funny) from a large dog. How many "Who's walking who?" jokes must we suffer through? I just get the impression that the author tells himself after each use of the joke, "They just didn't get it. I will wait a couple of months and try it again. This is comedy gold." But it is not comedy gold. It is more equatable to a metal like worm-eaten aluminum, where half of the aluminum is actually Bondo painted to look like worm-eaten aluminum.

I have found that, when driving, if somebody honks at me, I only respond the way they probably want me to if I have actually been doing something stupid. However, if they are just being a reprobate hound (meant in an extremely negative way), I am very unlikely to change my manner of driving for the better.

Does it make anyone else slightly woozy to scroll through the news feed on Facebook? I will let the punctuation and capitalization issues slide for now, but enough with the emoticons! If your writing is not expressive or cognitive enough to be able to express emotions without the use of a colon/semicolon (which would probably otherwise go their entire existences unused by certain individuals) or the parenthetical marks (to which I have a certain affinity), you should try to find an online networking system that uses only pictures and symbols. That way you won't even have to read! My final thought, on that same subject: The word "and" has a "d"! Include the "d"! Your ignorant updates are taken to new lows when you begin with "judy an me gone 2 th mol ushud com 2! <:-X}"

"Don't hate the player, hate the game."
-King Henry VIII, in regards to individuals player-hating and bringing their sass-mouth comments into his court. Not verified.

Sunday, April 18, 2010

For lack of anything insightful...

Some undirected questions and statements:

At what point did the v-neck become a t-shirt and cease to be known as a blouse?

Why don't cell phones come with a standard ring tone that actually sounds like a real phone? Instead we have some sort of quasi-hip-hop mistake blasting form our 2cm speakers. The vibrate function on phones has become a necessity.

Regarding the wine train in Napa Valley: is it really a good idea to pick up a bunch of middle-aged people, give them a ride through the valley, stopping a various wineries to get absolutely besotted (because nature is best viewed with damaged depth perception), then drop the same middle-aged winos back at their cars?

When did the romantic of life of a drifter turn into such a negative thing? As a child, there was a certain freedom related with being a vagabond. Just you, your stick with a bandanna and all your possessions and the open road. . . . Great songs like "King of the Road," "Big Rock Candy Mountains" and, I think, "I've Been Everywhere" all serve to remind us of how delightful it would be to wander the world. Today, street people don't live nearly as glamorous of lives.

I've put a lot of thought into the "Terminator" movie series, and it hurts my brain a little bit each time. Because, if you think about it, the machines will know immediately if something has failed in the past, because their future would already have been changed, and they would therefore be less likely to send back the original terminator to kill Sarah Connor, but if they don't send him (do you assign a machine a gender?) back to kill her, then the resistance never would have sent back John Connor's father, who is actually his descendant (what?). So if you think about it, it's really a vicious circle. This movie really grabs hold of the so-called "Butterfly Effect" theory, in that every single thing about the past can change the future. It is the same with the "Back to the Future" films. Although in that series, fewer people were dispatched via shotgun.

We are a big fan of saying, "These colors don't run." We use that in reference to the flag of the United States, the red, white and blue and that we fight for certain things. However, if the order of the colors is changed slightly, those colors do run. I'm looking at you, France.

You would think that a word like "catamount" would mean something really cool. But it doesn't. At this point, I am giving you the opportunity to find a dictionary.

The highest grain-count I have ever seen in a loaf of bread is seven; breads are very proud when they can call themselves 7-grain. Why doesn't anybody put more grains in though? I have a theory that someone tried to, but the bread exploded from too much grain.

Do you think the pioneers ever dreamed about fabric softener?

I would like to be able to reference "my summer home" in casual conversation someday.

As far as names are concerned, "Sea Lions" and "Manatees" are examples of, respectively, winners and losers.

"There is not enough time to do all the nothing we want."
-Bill Watterson, creator of Calvin and Hobbes and a great man.

Sunday, April 11, 2010

A plethora of information!

I cannot tell you how many times someone has consulted me, trying to ascertain whether or not they are, in fact, at risk of becoming a victim in a horror film scenario. As such, I have devised a short, seven question multiple-choice quiz. Using the answers from this quiz, you should be able to tell whether you are at risk of becoming just another victim or if you have the wherewithal to survive a horror scenario. Write down your answers throughout the quiz and read the key at the end to see how you fared.

1. You enter an abandoned cabin in a deep forest. Your first instinct is:
a) Take a shower.
b) Look around for potential dangers/loudly ask if anyone is there.
c) Pillow fight!
d) Run through the cabin blindly to show your valor, accompanied by the cheers of your companions.
e) Get into the fetal position in a corner.

2. While at a party in the woods, some of the more popular people attending the gala decide to go to the old house where the school's janitor lives and spread toilet paper about, despite credible and substantial evidence that the custodial worker murdered the last group of kids who perpetrated a similar action. You:
a) Take a shower.
b) Realize that this is not your scene and drive back to town.
c) "Aw, all you guys brought is two-ply?" (Generally, at this point, the other people in the group will begin asking each other who you are)
d) Decide that the only way you will ever go to a prom is by joining these kids; then, lead the way.
e) Weep uncontrollably until someone calls your parents.

3. You are being chased by a man with a chainsaw through a building. You have just narrowly escaped his second attempt to capture you and have a few minutes to spare. You decide to:
a) Take a shower.
b) Leave the premises and be vigilant.
c) Write insults on the walls of the building. These written jibes should include nasty things about the man chasing you, his family, his choice of chainsaw brand and potential learning disabilities that he may, in your opinion, possess.
d) Set an elaborate trap, using yourself as bait and putting the control of the trap in the hands of the person who, despite being the most inept, is also the most attractive of the group.
e) Sob chokingly and hope the killer will take pity on you, as you are behaving in a very pathetic manner.

4. You happen along an extremely feminine boy-vampire and a whiny girl in a light forest. You:
a) Take a shower.
b) Kill the vampire with a stick.
c) Run from tree to tree around the pair. Occasionally flick the ear of one of them, while whispering about how you once ate a bat.
d) On the encouragement of your friends, challenge the vampire to a biting contest. Be sure to have it filmed.
e) Write or read books on the topic.

5. You are about to take a trip into a known creepy place for an overnight stay. You bring:
a) Loofah, body wash, shampoo and conditioner.
b) A knife, flashlight, cell phone, fresh batteries, some food, maps and a gun.
c) Nothing! In fact, the nearer you get to the destination, the more clothing you remove until you are naked.
d) Whatever your friends tell you to bring, including their favorite foods, and enough cool stuff so that no one will dislike you.
e) A heavy sleeping bag, blinders and noise-cancelling headphones. At the last minute, you will decide not to go or have a fear-induced seizure.

6. A number of precariously stacked heavy things have fallen on the person chasing you. You think the attacker is dead, but you are not sure. You:
a) Take a shower.
b) Take a blunt object and be certain.
c) Urinate on the body and write a song about the television show M*A*S*H*.
d) Ask your friends what to do. Follow their instructions, no matter how poorly thought through.
e) Attempt to offer medical help to the individual, but become self-aware at the sound of your voice cracking and lie down to cry.

7. You have just escaped the location of the horror scene, and are safely on your way to refuge. You:
a) Take a shower.
b) Continue towards freedom and warn others about the dangers of the area.
c) Vow to make it an annual reunion.
d) Offer to sacrifice yourself so that your friends can make it to safety, despite the fact that this action is neither needed nor warranted. Your friends will probably agree with it, as they do not like wishy-washy individuals. They will, however tell of your bravery.
e) Become incapacitated as the reality of what you have been through comes to you. Never contribute to society again.

Now, for the key:

If you answered mostly "a":
Your hygiene, while immaculate, will likely be your downfall, especially in a horror scenario. You need to figure out when it is appropriate to bathe and when it is appropriate to worry about self-preservation. You respond to most situations by suggesting "getting wet." You likely have an affinity towards being naked in strange places, which is healthy only in small doses. Follow this advice: "Watch before you wash."

Legitimate threats include: drowning; getting attacked mid-scrub; hypothermia.

If you answered mostly "b":
Congratulations! You are not likely to get caught in a horror scenario, but if you find yourself in one, you should fair quite well. Your penchant for violence is a plus, but you sometimes worry too much. On occasion, you will not be enjoyable to be around, because you must do everything in a very careful fashion. Many people may suggest that you are a party-pooper, but you will know who was right when attend their funeral. If only they hadn't been so focused on showering. . . .

Legitimate threats include: old age; others putting you at risk; taking the wrong anti-biotic.

If you answered mostly "c":
You are completely insane, and for that reason alone you may survive a horror scenario. The killer will not be able to guess your next move, and thusly will have a difficult time capturing you. You also have a love of nudity in public and unfamiliar places, one that will likely cause your arrest someday. You are enjoyable to be around, but you take unnecessary risks and don't use a logic-based thought system. You may survive some awful things, but you are also the most likely person to someday become the axe-wielding psychopath who lives in the middle of the woods. Therefore, we come to the conclusion that you seek dangerous situations not only for the adrenaline-rush, but also as a form of demented apprenticeship.

Legitimate threats include: bizarre, self-inflicted death; fool-hardiness; nudity amidst a lightning storm.

If you answered mostly "d":
You have no personality, and, following most horror movie scripts, will therefore be one of the first to die. Bummer. On the other hand, your actions, while fool-hardy, are often seen as extremely courageous. You have a good chance of scoring with one of the attractive victims before your untimely demise. And if you were hoping for a creative passing, I have more bad news for you. People can't wait until you are gone, because you just agree with everyone. Therefore, you will die in a cliched, uninteresting manner. Like tripping while running away. Everyone does that. Occasionally you will find yourself being the brains of the group, and then the entire party is in trouble. You are sometimes brave, but in the end, your name won't break the top five in the credits list.

Legitimate threats include: cliched, all-too-early death; jumping off a bridge; poor judgment in "Truth or Dare."

If you answered mostly "e":
You have a crippling fear of nearly everything, and probably became short of breath while reading this quiz. Once you figured out my trend of writing all the fear-invoked responses as the last option, you went ahead and only read those for the rest of the quiz, on account of the fact that your poor ticker couldn't take the excitement of the other suggestions. You are likely obese and eat unhealthy foods, but that is not the rule. In fact, there is a pretty good chance that you are weak, pale and spindly. Nobody knows why you joined their adventure trip into the wilderness; they probably just asked you as a gesture of kindness, or perhaps you are related to one of the contributing members of the flock. Either way, they assumed you would decline, blaming your asthma or butterfly-collecting habits. Your life will go by unfulfilled, but at least you won't die via garden tool (unless the wound is self-inflicted and accidental).

Legitimate threats include: large, predatory birds; food-borne illness; bed sores.

I hope you have learned a little bit about yourself from the post. It was unfair of me to test you on something that (most of you) have not been studying for. Regardless, if even one of you is more prepared the next time you come into a dodgy situation with strange circumstances, then I will have accomplished something.

"I'm tired of getting kicked from games when the enemy are noobs when I own them.=P [sic]"
- Cocomynuts, someone who plays video games (and apparently quite proficiently!). I think this quote serves to ground us all and really rearrange our priorities. After all, it's one thing to complain about video game problems out loud; it's really quite another to start an online forum where you can air out your virtual issues.

Sunday, April 4, 2010

Easter Holiday

I watched bowling today (because I have the money). PBA. No big deal. Pretty standard stuff.

Does it blow the mind of anybody else that bowlers are considered athletes? I think that this is one of the only sports that provides for the competitors to drink alcohol while participating in their sport (with the exception of darts, but there is a significant difference between a 13 pound ball and a sharpened feather). Honestly, there are cup holders built in to the sporting equipment. Also, they have a fan built in to the ball collector, in case the competitors should start to sweat on their hands. Heaven forbid that they lose any calories; let's put a stop to that right now.

Most of you are probably thinking, "Ben, if you watch bowling and consider it 'standard stuff,' why did you think to point it out and share it with us?" Simple, inquiring minds: there was something magical going on during the bowling match (do you call it a match? I should know this). Yes, friends, a time-honored act of sport was occurring while the gentlemen were taking turns throwing a ball down some oiled wood; a tradition so beloved in so many legitimate sports, that, eventually, the tenpinners had to catch on: trash-talking. That's right folks, some good old fashioned rubbish-rambling. The crowd, naturally, reacted with delight, no doubt wondering if, perchance, an altercation might arise and, if so, perhaps taking mental stock of the fact that the heavy, urethane, plastic or reactive resin (or a combination of the three) balls might come into play as weapons.

Also, some of the fans had signs. Now, I dislike fan signs at legitimate sports, but to bring a home-made sign to a bowling rally (do you call it a rally? I should know this) really shows that you know your obscure sports and their loosely titled "stars."

I drove from Stockton to Angwin today, and therefore used Junction 12. This road is terrible on a good day, but today was rainy and I had the joy of following a truck and trailer for the majority of the trip. The trailer contained "molten sulfur" and evidently had just a sliiiight leak. So that was fun. Before I took stock of the words defining the contents of the truck ahead of me, the question crossed my mind, "Is someone taking a death-fueled blowtorch to two dozen rancid free rangers? If so, why would they chose that particular method to celebrate the Easter holiday?"

Yea, it is Easter (or, Passover, for my Jewish readers. Shalom). And it comes but once a year, so enjoy it. I hope you all had a pleasant weekend. I have now come to the end of this entry, and indeed it is shorter. On the positive side, this means that maybe you skimmers out there might get a chance to read a whole post. You have all been so mollycoddled by my long posts and your excuses of not having enough time to finish them. Well, here you go.

One final thought on Easter: does the Easter Rabbit's hiding of eggs seem to anyone else like he is encouraging people to dispose of young children? He certainly is not taking responsibility for these discarded fetuses. I wonder if people would throw newborns in the dumpster if they had not first witnessed this negligent rabbit's actions. Someone needs to tell him what a poor example he is setting for people. This could be difficult, since we all know that rabbits do not speak English.

"Thought is the fountain of speech."
-Chrysippus, stoic philosopher who died in a most interesting fashion! Whilst taken to drink, he, as one does naturally, lent some drink to his companion donkey, who attempted to, while inebriated, eat some figs. Evidently this is unimaginably hilarious, and our philosopher friend laughed so hard that he died.