A plethora of information!

I cannot tell you how many times someone has consulted me, trying to ascertain whether or not they are, in fact, at risk of becoming a victim in a horror film scenario. As such, I have devised a short, seven question multiple-choice quiz. Using the answers from this quiz, you should be able to tell whether you are at risk of becoming just another victim or if you have the wherewithal to survive a horror scenario. Write down your answers throughout the quiz and read the key at the end to see how you fared.

1. You enter an abandoned cabin in a deep forest. Your first instinct is:

a) Take a shower.

b) Look around for potential dangers/loudly ask if anyone is there.

c) Pillow fight!

d) Run through the cabin blindly to show your valor, accompanied by the cheers of your companions.

e) Get into the fetal position in a corner.

2. While at a party in the woods, some of the more popular people attending the gala decide to go to the old house where the school's janitor lives and spread toilet paper about, despite credible and substantial evidence that the custodial worker murdered the last group of kids who perpetrated a similar action. You:

a) Take a shower.

b) Realize that this is not your scene and drive back to town.

c) "Aw, all you guys brought is two-ply?" (Generally, at this point, the other people in the group will begin asking each other who you are)

d) Decide that the only way you will ever go to a prom is by joining these kids; then, lead the way.

e) Weep uncontrollably until someone calls your parents.

3. You are being chased by a man with a chainsaw through a building. You have just narrowly escaped his second attempt to capture you and have a few minutes to spare. You decide to:

a) Take a shower.

b) Leave the premises and be vigilant.

c) Write insults on the walls of the building. These written jibes should include nasty things about the man chasing you, his family, his choice of chainsaw brand and potential learning disabilities that he may, in your opinion, possess.

d) Set an elaborate trap, using yourself as bait and putting the control of the trap in the hands of the person who, despite being the most inept, is also the most attractive of the group.

e) Sob chokingly and hope the killer will take pity on you, as you are behaving in a very pathetic manner.

4. You happen along an extremely feminine boy-vampire and a whiny girl in a light forest. You:

a) Take a shower.

b) Kill the vampire with a stick.

c) Run from tree to tree around the pair. Occasionally flick the ear of one of them, while whispering about how you once ate a bat.

d) On the encouragement of your friends, challenge the vampire to a biting contest. Be sure to have it filmed.

e) Write or read books on the topic.

5. You are about to take a trip into a known creepy place for an overnight stay. You bring:

a) Loofah, body wash, shampoo and conditioner.

b) A knife, flashlight, cell phone, fresh batteries, some food, maps and a gun.

c) Nothing! In fact, the nearer you get to the destination, the more clothing you remove until you are naked.

d) Whatever your friends tell you to bring, including their favorite foods, and enough cool stuff so that no one will dislike you.

e) A heavy sleeping bag, blinders and noise-cancelling headphones. At the last minute, you will decide not to go or have a fear-induced seizure.

6. A number of precariously stacked heavy things have fallen on the person chasing you. You think the attacker is dead, but you are not sure. You:

a) Take a shower.

b) Take a blunt object and be certain.

c) Urinate on the body and write a song about the television show M*A*S*H*.

d) Ask your friends what to do. Follow their instructions, no matter how poorly thought through.

e) Attempt to offer medical help to the individual, but become self-aware at the sound of your voice cracking and lie down to cry.

7. You have just escaped the location of the horror scene, and are safely on your way to refuge. You:

a) Take a shower.

b) Continue towards freedom and warn others about the dangers of the area.

c) Vow to make it an annual reunion.

d) Offer to sacrifice yourself so that your friends can make it to safety, despite the fact that this action is neither needed nor warranted. Your friends will probably agree with it, as they do not like wishy-washy individuals. They will, however tell of your bravery.

e) Become incapacitated as the reality of what you have been through comes to you. Never contribute to society again.

Now, for the key:

If you answered mostly "a":

Your hygiene, while immaculate, will likely be your downfall, especially in a horror scenario. You need to figure out when it is appropriate to bathe and when it is appropriate to worry about self-preservation. You respond to most situations by suggesting "getting wet." You likely have an affinity towards being naked in strange places, which is healthy only in small doses. Follow this advice: "Watch before you wash."

Legitimate threats include: drowning; getting attacked mid-scrub; hypothermia.

If you answered mostly "b":

Congratulations! You are not likely to get caught in a horror scenario, but if you find yourself in one, you should fair quite well. Your penchant for violence is a plus, but you sometimes worry too much. On occasion, you will not be enjoyable to be around, because you must do everything in a very careful fashion. Many people may suggest that you are a party-pooper, but you will know who was right when attend their funeral. If only they hadn't been so focused on showering. . . .

Legitimate threats include: old age; others putting you at risk; taking the wrong anti-biotic.

If you answered mostly "c":

You are completely insane, and for that reason alone you may survive a horror scenario. The killer will not be able to guess your next move, and thusly will have a difficult time capturing you. You also have a love of nudity in public and unfamiliar places, one that will likely cause your arrest someday. You are enjoyable to be around, but you take unnecessary risks and don't use a logic-based thought system. You may survive some awful things, but you are also the most likely person to someday become the axe-wielding psychopath who lives in the middle of the woods. Therefore, we come to the conclusion that you seek dangerous situations not only for the adrenaline-rush, but also as a form of demented apprenticeship.

Legitimate threats include: bizarre, self-inflicted death; fool-hardiness; nudity amidst a lightning storm.

If you answered mostly "d":

You have no personality, and, following most horror movie scripts, will therefore be one of the first to die. Bummer. On the other hand, your actions, while fool-hardy, are often seen as extremely courageous. You have a good chance of scoring with one of the attractive victims before your untimely demise. And if you were hoping for a creative passing, I have more bad news for you. People can't wait until you are gone, because you just agree with everyone. Therefore, you will die in a cliched, uninteresting manner. Like tripping while running away. Everyone does that. Occasionally you will find yourself being the brains of the group, and then the entire party is in trouble. You are sometimes brave, but in the end, your name won't break the top five in the credits list.

Legitimate threats include: cliched, all-too-early death; jumping off a bridge; poor judgment in "Truth or Dare."

If you answered mostly "e":

You have a crippling fear of nearly everything, and probably became short of breath while reading this quiz. Once you figured out my trend of writing all the fear-invoked responses as the last option, you went ahead and only read those for the rest of the quiz, on account of the fact that your poor ticker couldn't take the excitement of the other suggestions. You are likely obese and eat unhealthy foods, but that is not the rule. In fact, there is a pretty good chance that you are weak, pale and spindly. Nobody knows why you joined their adventure trip into the wilderness; they probably just asked you as a gesture of kindness, or perhaps you are related to one of the contributing members of the flock. Either way, they assumed you would decline, blaming your asthma or butterfly-collecting habits. Your life will go by unfulfilled, but at least you won't die via garden tool (unless the wound is self-inflicted and accidental).

Legitimate threats include: large, predatory birds; food-borne illness; bed sores.

I hope you have learned a little bit about yourself from the post. It was unfair of me to test you on something that (most of you) have not been studying for. Regardless, if even one of you is more prepared the next time you come into a dodgy situation with strange circumstances, then I will have accomplished something.

"I'm tired of getting kicked from games when the enemy are noobs when I own them.=P [sic]"

- Cocomynuts, someone who plays video games (and apparently quite proficiently!). I think this quote serves to ground us all and really rearrange our priorities. After all, it's one thing to complain about video game problems out loud; it's really quite another to start an online forum where you can air out your virtual issues.