The twilight of humanity brought about in a most ironic fashion

Gooooood evening folks. I figured, with all this debate about the Twilight series going on (can you call it a debate when only one party seems to have any understanding of normal human behavior and what truly defines "good" or even "passable" literature?), it was more than time that we should let mother nature weigh in on how she feels about this new trend. Hence, I give you the facts: bear and shark attacks are a direct result of the creation and following of the Twilight series of "books" and "films."

The most important facts which correlate with the events of the series are listed above in the handy scatter plot. However, what isn't present is the interpretation of the facts. That's what I am here for. That, and to accept any free swag which may be sent my way. Contact me if you are interested. Some might ask why I don't put my mailing address here to cut out one step of the swag-receiving process, and my answer is simple: I don't want to receive in the mail a shrunken head, DNA or some sort of frightening photograph montage of me in which all the pictures were taken without my knowledge and from a high vantage point.

2003: The year at which our chart begins and the year in which this "author" from Phoenix decided to conjure this ridiculous fantasy of shiny, non-threatening vampire-lovin'. How's this sound?- a brown bear, in response to this clear attack on literature and better judgment, killed a dude. What's more, sharks got in on the action and attacked forty people. I hate to be the one who points this out, but when both the forest and the sea say, "Whoah, now," it may be time to take heed.

2004: A relatively quiet year. Why? Because she was still in the process of writing the "books," and, frankly, the beasts of the earth and water did not think she would a) complete them before realizing they were trash or b) ever succeed at finding a publisher dumb enough to endorse them.

2005: Bad news, bears (and sharks not to mention [and the people who were attacked also not to mention])! Twilight is published and there is trouble in river city (and also cities not adjacent to water). This is arguably the bears' biggest response to the travesty--they go to bat against six people in North America and feast well. The shark puts up average numbers (smart thinking, sharks. You don't want to get burned out yet, not with two more "books" and heaven knows how many "movies" left to rear their frightening, dull heads).

2006: New Moon was "published" and the animal attacks continued. I am sad to say that I only caught wind of this today (despite the fact that I regularly peruse the internet to find statistics of wild animal attacks. You have stamp collecting, I have a morbid interest in nature's retaliation towards the invention of the deep fryer. I don't hate your hobby, don't hate mine.), for if I had been aware of this when it was going down, perhaps we could have avoided the release of any more well-organized pages of blather and the needless loss of life purely attributable to society's willing acceptance of Twilight.

2007: Eclipse is out and the sharks have had enough. They pick up the slack for their furry brethren by attacking 50 people. Maybe I'm an optimist, but I like to think that perhaps those people never had to sit through a reading of one of these "novels."

2008-present: The attacks and deaths continue, as do the clear and personal attacks to good taste. The bears have, in my opinion, spoken closely. We have always looked to the bears for guidance, and they have never failed us (except for that one time, when they were like, "No, it's cool . . . the Challenger is totally space-ready.").

Shall we answer the call of the wild? And after we have finished relieving our bowels, should we not respond to the clear message of nature? Nature's message: "Knock it off, Twilight dweebs." Who would have thought that nature would still be using the euphemism "dweeb?" But then again, nature is old school.

"Why are people so afraid of bear attacks?"

- Question on Grizzly Bay, a web site devoted to making people feel comfortable around grizzly bears. I have a suspicion that the site is run by bears to the purpose that people will be easier to eat. Here's a short list of why people are so afraid of bear attacks:

1) The word "attack" is a word with which one should be uncomfortable.

2) Bears are frightening, hungry beasts who will occasionally bite a head or two. This is another perfectly valid reason for fear.

c) Just because I am more likely to be killed by bees than by bears does not make the thought of a bear attack less horrifying; just because something is unlikely does not mean that someone should not be concerned about it.

IV) Full-grown grizzly bears are roughly the size of a Datsun. If you shag carpeted the exterior of a Datsun and made its primary food source flesh, I would also be afraid of that.

5) Your condescending question makes it clear that you have never had to run for your life while urine trickles down your cargos and you search for either a tree to climb or a large-caliber firestick because a bear is chasing you.

F) Have you ever been flicked with a rubber-band? Did it hurt? Probably. Bear attacks hurt waaaaay worse.