I was driving to Sacramento several days ago, when I saw a dead squirrel on the side of the road. After expressing the proper amount of joy that at least somewhere something is being done about the overpopulation of what some people call the "Gray Plague," I was reminded of a recent trip I made in which, deep in the blackness of the night, I (unintentionally) struck and (I assume) killed a pedestrian rabbit who happened to be crossing the road. I then considered "deer crossing" signs and a) how much damage a prancing eight-point buck would do to my Focus and b) how rarely one sees a deer cross the road in the leaping position the signs depict. Naturally, when one is on the deer crossing sign mind track, one is forced to consider other signs delineating an animal and its inclination to cross a motorway. Let's see, we have the equestrian, the occasional moose, child chasing ball, hand-holding foot traffic, bovine, armadillo, kangaroo (if you're down under) and, of course, the duck with ducklings in tow. Now, two thoughts enter my mind when I contemplate the duck with duckling train crossing sign: first, I think about the immense joy I would feel if I saw a whole squad of baby ducks following momma duck (it seems that daddy duck is rarely in the picture). In my mind, there would probably be a light rainbow behind the glistening mountains in the background, perhaps the ducks are whistling softly, I don't know. The second thought which stumbles into my mind like a guy who lives on the subway arriving late to an ill-fated job interview at, ironically, Subway, is the Berenstain Bears. Stick with me on this one. I don't know what your memory of the Berenstain Bears includes, but the most vivid picture I have is this sequence: The bears are on a road trip, when all of a sudden they strike the car ahead of them, which has unexpectedly stopped for no apparent reason. Poppa Bear is FUMING. He's ready to rumble, and, as a bear, we can expect a certain amount of carnage as a result. But, the driver of the car in front of him steps out of his car and guess what? This dude is huge. He is at least three-quarters grizzly and was only recently released from the penitentiary for crimes in relation to disorderly conduct, assault and public indecency (we assume). We can practically hear Poppa Bear gulp in fear. He gets out of the car, asks his children, the aptly named Brother and Sister, not to watch, and approaches the furious driver. However, once the two meet, and Poppa Bear sees the actual situation, which of course is that they were at a duck crossing and Mother duck and her ducklings were crossing the street in a row. Poppa Bear feels foolish, apologizes, and, in the end, it turns out that the bear in the car in front really isn't that upset and is just glad that nobody was hurt. What was the intended lesson here? Some say this story illustrates our need for just a little understanding . . . a sentiment with which I agree. However, I would add a caveat: this story illustrates our need for understanding, only if the person in the car you just hit gets out and happens to be larger than you. Otherwise, let the fisticuffs begin.
And, there you go. That's pretty much the route my brain follows. Squirrel=childhood suggestions of road rage.
"We're not like real rocking rockers. We'd rather write about feeling and emotions."
-The Fray, a band who sings songs like "How To Save A Life," a diddy which surprisingly makes no mention of CPR.
I don't remember that story, the one I always remember is the "Get the Gimme's" book, but that would have absolutely no connection to animal crossing signs at all, so forget that I even brought it up. Let the fisticuffs begin...
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