One topic. Just one.

Guess what, guys? Football is on the decline.

So tonight I am watching football, as one does in the evening. What should catch my attention but the evident rule changes in the National Football League. What we have here is the wimping (yes, I verbed the word wimp; I also verbed the word verb) of football. I watched one penalty in which a receiver missed a pass and a safety struck him from behind (if at this point you are lost, there is a good chance you don't understand the sport of football). Now, the ball bounced off the receiver's hands (put him on the bench, coach, them hands are fer catchin) and probably a half second afterwards the safety collided with the receiver. Usually this would not be a foul, but because of the rule changes, the referee felt inclined to say it was a personal foul. Not five minutes later, I was informed of the rule that, as soon as a player's helmet is removed, a play will be whistled dead. Ladies and gentlemen, this is a perversion of the sport which we love. No longer are players allowed to hit one another. If we continue in this fashion, five years down the road tackling will no longer be allowed. The downward spiral from that point will go as follows:

2015: Tackling disallowed; two-hand touch rules initiated

2017: Unnecessary touching disallowed; flag rules begin

2018-2020: Dark ages of society and sports; analog clocks disappear from society along with the understanding of basic grammar and the necessity of real human contact

2021: Flag-pulling ruled offensive; games become orchestrated, televised games of hide-and-seek; Lions perform uncharacteristically well

2025: Different teams considered unconstitutional; television time is instead devoted to three hour crafts workshop

2026: Moon strikes earth because of density of humanity; thousands are glad (or would be if the earth hadn't been crushed by lunar body) they did not waste time at medical school

In a country which allows mixed martial arts (for the record, I am not arguing against the brutality of mma, but rather against the milksopping of football), it is hard to believe these rule changes. You see, occasionally someone in an mma fight will get kicked in the head. Controversially, in professional football, excessive pushing is considered an extreme offense. I'm just saying, let's have a little continuity. Some of my favorite memories are of football and I hate the idea that it could disappear. I hope that someday my children will be able to cheer a well-choreographed touchdown pass or laugh at the expense of the Oakland Raiders and Al Davis' bizarre draft choices. But if they are forced to sit through a hit-free football game, well, then, NFL, I don't have any answers for you. You've taken it all. What more could you possibly want?

"I like to believe that my best hits border on felonious assault."

-Jack Tatum, retired player of the sport formerly known as football (possible new names? "Run and touch," "Shareball," "Powerwalkball," "Minimal-contact Twinkletoelery." Vote for your favorite or submit your own).