A dollar late and a day short

I've often been asked, "Ben, what inspires you?" Well, if you came sprinting to this post to find the answer to that riddle, it behooves me to give you at least part of the answer: the prospect of free t-shirts.

Don't stop reading just because of the clearly weighty subject that are likely to be confronted today!

Ziploc brand bags: what are they on about? Well? This is one of just a handful of areas in which, if you do not spend the big money, you will be sorry. What's that? You buy Glad bags because they are cheaper, but every time you need to store roast beef you curse yourself and your decision-making ability? You are not alone. Safeway sandwich bags are even worse. Inevitably you will try to open a bag fresh out of the refrigerator and the end will rip, leaving you 1/32 of an inch to grab on to. At that point, you might as well get a pair of scissors or call the fire department, because this test of skill will only show that there is not a single thing you have done up to this point in your life that will assist you.

In general, stores today thrive on the fact that, for the most part, you are too lazy to do things on your own. Cheerio to you, however, if you are one of the few that looks at something in a store and say, "I could make that." If you are one of those people, rest assured that, in the case of a survivor-scenario, you will be one of the few to make it to the end of the story (and you may get to try your hand at cannibalism!).

The cartoon "Marmaduke" is not currently funny, has not been at all funny in the past and, from the looks of things, will not be funny in the future. Sorry, Marm, but we can tell from the premise of the comic strip alone that you are a large dog that sometimes does things that are unexpected (but not funny) from a large dog. How many "Who's walking who?" jokes must we suffer through? I just get the impression that the author tells himself after each use of the joke, "They just didn't get it. I will wait a couple of months and try it again. This is comedy gold." But it is not comedy gold. It is more equatable to a metal like worm-eaten aluminum, where half of the aluminum is actually Bondo painted to look like worm-eaten aluminum.

I have found that, when driving, if somebody honks at me, I only respond the way they probably want me to if I have actually been doing something stupid. However, if they are just being a reprobate hound (meant in an extremely negative way), I am very unlikely to change my manner of driving for the better.

Does it make anyone else slightly woozy to scroll through the news feed on Facebook? I will let the punctuation and capitalization issues slide for now, but enough with the emoticons! If your writing is not expressive or cognitive enough to be able to express emotions without the use of a colon/semicolon (which would probably otherwise go their entire existences unused by certain individuals) or the parenthetical marks (to which I have a certain affinity), you should try to find an online networking system that uses only pictures and symbols. That way you won't even have to read! My final thought, on that same subject: The word "and" has a "d"! Include the "d"! Your ignorant updates are taken to new lows when you begin with "judy an me gone 2 th mol ushud com 2! <:-X}"

"Don't hate the player, hate the game."

-King Henry VIII, in regards to individuals player-hating and bringing their sass-mouth comments into his court. Not verified.

For lack of anything insightful...

Some undirected questions and statements:

At what point did the v-neck become a t-shirt and cease to be known as a blouse?

Why don't cell phones come with a standard ring tone that actually sounds like a real phone? Instead we have some sort of quasi-hip-hop mistake blasting form our 2cm speakers. The vibrate function on phones has become a necessity.

Regarding the wine train in Napa Valley: is it really a good idea to pick up a bunch of middle-aged people, give them a ride through the valley, stopping a various wineries to get absolutely besotted (because nature is best viewed with damaged depth perception), then drop the same middle-aged winos back at their cars?

When did the romantic of life of a drifter turn into such a negative thing? As a child, there was a certain freedom related with being a vagabond. Just you, your stick with a bandanna and all your possessions and the open road. . . . Great songs like "King of the Road," "Big Rock Candy Mountains" and, I think, "I've Been Everywhere" all serve to remind us of how delightful it would be to wander the world. Today, street people don't live nearly as glamorous of lives.

I've put a lot of thought into the "Terminator" movie series, and it hurts my brain a little bit each time. Because, if you think about it, the machines will know immediately if something has failed in the past, because their future would already have been changed, and they would therefore be less likely to send back the original terminator to kill Sarah Connor, but if they don't send him (do you assign a machine a gender?) back to kill her, then the resistance never would have sent back John Connor's father, who is actually his descendant (what?). So if you think about it, it's really a vicious circle. This movie really grabs hold of the so-called "Butterfly Effect" theory, in that every single thing about the past can change the future. It is the same with the "Back to the Future" films. Although in that series, fewer people were dispatched via shotgun.

We are a big fan of saying, "These colors don't run." We use that in reference to the flag of the United States, the red, white and blue and that we fight for certain things. However, if the order of the colors is changed slightly, those colors do run. I'm looking at you, France.

You would think that a word like "catamount" would mean something really cool. But it doesn't. At this point, I am giving you the opportunity to find a dictionary.

The highest grain-count I have ever seen in a loaf of bread is seven; breads are very proud when they can call themselves 7-grain. Why doesn't anybody put more grains in though? I have a theory that someone tried to, but the bread exploded from too much grain.

Do you think the pioneers ever dreamed about fabric softener?

I would like to be able to reference "my summer home" in casual conversation someday.

As far as names are concerned, "Sea Lions" and "Manatees" are examples of, respectively, winners and losers.

"There is not enough time to do all the nothing we want."

-Bill Watterson, creator of Calvin and Hobbes and a great man.

A plethora of information!

I cannot tell you how many times someone has consulted me, trying to ascertain whether or not they are, in fact, at risk of becoming a victim in a horror film scenario. As such, I have devised a short, seven question multiple-choice quiz. Using the answers from this quiz, you should be able to tell whether you are at risk of becoming just another victim or if you have the wherewithal to survive a horror scenario. Write down your answers throughout the quiz and read the key at the end to see how you fared.

1. You enter an abandoned cabin in a deep forest. Your first instinct is:

a) Take a shower.

b) Look around for potential dangers/loudly ask if anyone is there.

c) Pillow fight!

d) Run through the cabin blindly to show your valor, accompanied by the cheers of your companions.

e) Get into the fetal position in a corner.

2. While at a party in the woods, some of the more popular people attending the gala decide to go to the old house where the school's janitor lives and spread toilet paper about, despite credible and substantial evidence that the custodial worker murdered the last group of kids who perpetrated a similar action. You:

a) Take a shower.

b) Realize that this is not your scene and drive back to town.

c) "Aw, all you guys brought is two-ply?" (Generally, at this point, the other people in the group will begin asking each other who you are)

d) Decide that the only way you will ever go to a prom is by joining these kids; then, lead the way.

e) Weep uncontrollably until someone calls your parents.

3. You are being chased by a man with a chainsaw through a building. You have just narrowly escaped his second attempt to capture you and have a few minutes to spare. You decide to:

a) Take a shower.

b) Leave the premises and be vigilant.

c) Write insults on the walls of the building. These written jibes should include nasty things about the man chasing you, his family, his choice of chainsaw brand and potential learning disabilities that he may, in your opinion, possess.

d) Set an elaborate trap, using yourself as bait and putting the control of the trap in the hands of the person who, despite being the most inept, is also the most attractive of the group.

e) Sob chokingly and hope the killer will take pity on you, as you are behaving in a very pathetic manner.

4. You happen along an extremely feminine boy-vampire and a whiny girl in a light forest. You:

a) Take a shower.

b) Kill the vampire with a stick.

c) Run from tree to tree around the pair. Occasionally flick the ear of one of them, while whispering about how you once ate a bat.

d) On the encouragement of your friends, challenge the vampire to a biting contest. Be sure to have it filmed.

e) Write or read books on the topic.

5. You are about to take a trip into a known creepy place for an overnight stay. You bring:

a) Loofah, body wash, shampoo and conditioner.

b) A knife, flashlight, cell phone, fresh batteries, some food, maps and a gun.

c) Nothing! In fact, the nearer you get to the destination, the more clothing you remove until you are naked.

d) Whatever your friends tell you to bring, including their favorite foods, and enough cool stuff so that no one will dislike you.

e) A heavy sleeping bag, blinders and noise-cancelling headphones. At the last minute, you will decide not to go or have a fear-induced seizure.

6. A number of precariously stacked heavy things have fallen on the person chasing you. You think the attacker is dead, but you are not sure. You:

a) Take a shower.

b) Take a blunt object and be certain.

c) Urinate on the body and write a song about the television show M*A*S*H*.

d) Ask your friends what to do. Follow their instructions, no matter how poorly thought through.

e) Attempt to offer medical help to the individual, but become self-aware at the sound of your voice cracking and lie down to cry.

7. You have just escaped the location of the horror scene, and are safely on your way to refuge. You:

a) Take a shower.

b) Continue towards freedom and warn others about the dangers of the area.

c) Vow to make it an annual reunion.

d) Offer to sacrifice yourself so that your friends can make it to safety, despite the fact that this action is neither needed nor warranted. Your friends will probably agree with it, as they do not like wishy-washy individuals. They will, however tell of your bravery.

e) Become incapacitated as the reality of what you have been through comes to you. Never contribute to society again.

Now, for the key:

If you answered mostly "a":

Your hygiene, while immaculate, will likely be your downfall, especially in a horror scenario. You need to figure out when it is appropriate to bathe and when it is appropriate to worry about self-preservation. You respond to most situations by suggesting "getting wet." You likely have an affinity towards being naked in strange places, which is healthy only in small doses. Follow this advice: "Watch before you wash."

Legitimate threats include: drowning; getting attacked mid-scrub; hypothermia.

If you answered mostly "b":

Congratulations! You are not likely to get caught in a horror scenario, but if you find yourself in one, you should fair quite well. Your penchant for violence is a plus, but you sometimes worry too much. On occasion, you will not be enjoyable to be around, because you must do everything in a very careful fashion. Many people may suggest that you are a party-pooper, but you will know who was right when attend their funeral. If only they hadn't been so focused on showering. . . .

Legitimate threats include: old age; others putting you at risk; taking the wrong anti-biotic.

If you answered mostly "c":

You are completely insane, and for that reason alone you may survive a horror scenario. The killer will not be able to guess your next move, and thusly will have a difficult time capturing you. You also have a love of nudity in public and unfamiliar places, one that will likely cause your arrest someday. You are enjoyable to be around, but you take unnecessary risks and don't use a logic-based thought system. You may survive some awful things, but you are also the most likely person to someday become the axe-wielding psychopath who lives in the middle of the woods. Therefore, we come to the conclusion that you seek dangerous situations not only for the adrenaline-rush, but also as a form of demented apprenticeship.

Legitimate threats include: bizarre, self-inflicted death; fool-hardiness; nudity amidst a lightning storm.

If you answered mostly "d":

You have no personality, and, following most horror movie scripts, will therefore be one of the first to die. Bummer. On the other hand, your actions, while fool-hardy, are often seen as extremely courageous. You have a good chance of scoring with one of the attractive victims before your untimely demise. And if you were hoping for a creative passing, I have more bad news for you. People can't wait until you are gone, because you just agree with everyone. Therefore, you will die in a cliched, uninteresting manner. Like tripping while running away. Everyone does that. Occasionally you will find yourself being the brains of the group, and then the entire party is in trouble. You are sometimes brave, but in the end, your name won't break the top five in the credits list.

Legitimate threats include: cliched, all-too-early death; jumping off a bridge; poor judgment in "Truth or Dare."

If you answered mostly "e":

You have a crippling fear of nearly everything, and probably became short of breath while reading this quiz. Once you figured out my trend of writing all the fear-invoked responses as the last option, you went ahead and only read those for the rest of the quiz, on account of the fact that your poor ticker couldn't take the excitement of the other suggestions. You are likely obese and eat unhealthy foods, but that is not the rule. In fact, there is a pretty good chance that you are weak, pale and spindly. Nobody knows why you joined their adventure trip into the wilderness; they probably just asked you as a gesture of kindness, or perhaps you are related to one of the contributing members of the flock. Either way, they assumed you would decline, blaming your asthma or butterfly-collecting habits. Your life will go by unfulfilled, but at least you won't die via garden tool (unless the wound is self-inflicted and accidental).

Legitimate threats include: large, predatory birds; food-borne illness; bed sores.

I hope you have learned a little bit about yourself from the post. It was unfair of me to test you on something that (most of you) have not been studying for. Regardless, if even one of you is more prepared the next time you come into a dodgy situation with strange circumstances, then I will have accomplished something.

"I'm tired of getting kicked from games when the enemy are noobs when I own them.=P [sic]"

- Cocomynuts, someone who plays video games (and apparently quite proficiently!). I think this quote serves to ground us all and really rearrange our priorities. After all, it's one thing to complain about video game problems out loud; it's really quite another to start an online forum where you can air out your virtual issues.

Easter Holiday

I watched bowling today (because I have the money). PBA. No big deal. Pretty standard stuff.

Does it blow the mind of anybody else that bowlers are considered athletes? I think that this is one of the only sports that provides for the competitors to drink alcohol while participating in their sport (with the exception of darts, but there is a significant difference between a 13 pound ball and a sharpened feather). Honestly, there are cup holders built in to the sporting equipment. Also, they have a fan built in to the ball collector, in case the competitors should start to sweat on their hands. Heaven forbid that they lose any calories; let's put a stop to that right now.

Most of you are probably thinking, "Ben, if you watch bowling and consider it 'standard stuff,' why did you think to point it out and share it with us?" Simple, inquiring minds: there was something magical going on during the bowling match (do you call it a match? I should know this). Yes, friends, a time-honored act of sport was occurring while the gentlemen were taking turns throwing a ball down some oiled wood; a tradition so beloved in so many legitimate sports, that, eventually, the tenpinners had to catch on: trash-talking. That's right folks, some good old fashioned rubbish-rambling. The crowd, naturally, reacted with delight, no doubt wondering if, perchance, an altercation might arise and, if so, perhaps taking mental stock of the fact that the heavy, urethane, plastic or reactive resin (or a combination of the three) balls might come into play as weapons.

Also, some of the fans had signs. Now, I dislike fan signs at legitimate sports, but to bring a home-made sign to a bowling rally (do you call it a rally? I should know this) really shows that you know your obscure sports and their loosely titled "stars."

I drove from Stockton to Angwin today, and therefore used Junction 12. This road is terrible on a good day, but today was rainy and I had the joy of following a truck and trailer for the majority of the trip. The trailer contained "molten sulfur" and evidently had just a sliiiight leak. So that was fun. Before I took stock of the words defining the contents of the truck ahead of me, the question crossed my mind, "Is someone taking a death-fueled blowtorch to two dozen rancid free rangers? If so, why would they chose that particular method to celebrate the Easter holiday?"

Yea, it is Easter (or, Passover, for my Jewish readers. Shalom). And it comes but once a year, so enjoy it. I hope you all had a pleasant weekend. I have now come to the end of this entry, and indeed it is shorter. On the positive side, this means that maybe you skimmers out there might get a chance to read a whole post. You have all been so mollycoddled by my long posts and your excuses of not having enough time to finish them. Well, here you go.

One final thought on Easter: does the Easter Rabbit's hiding of eggs seem to anyone else like he is encouraging people to dispose of young children? He certainly is not taking responsibility for these discarded fetuses. I wonder if people would throw newborns in the dumpster if they had not first witnessed this negligent rabbit's actions. Someone needs to tell him what a poor example he is setting for people. This could be difficult, since we all know that rabbits do not speak English.

"Thought is the fountain of speech."

-Chrysippus, stoic philosopher who died in a most interesting fashion! Whilst taken to drink, he, as one does naturally, lent some drink to his companion donkey, who attempted to, while inebriated, eat some figs. Evidently this is unimaginably hilarious, and our philosopher friend laughed so hard that he died.

age

Have you guys ever thought about old people? They come from a different time and can teach us all sorts of things. Then, they start taking money out of our paychecks. . . .

Age does a lot of different things to people, but the main agreed-upon way in which it is shown is crankiness and fear of technology. But there is no question that "back then" was, indeed, a "simpler time." For one thing, many people had no legitimate reason to hate other people, but they still did. And they could do it simply because they wanted to. Now that's simple!

I think the one major thing, however, of the olden days that should be brought back is the allowing of punishment. In the past, when a child was misbehaving, some adult would step up and let the child know that what it was doing was neither warranted nor welcome. The adult would do this, regardless of whether or not the child was their own (I mean, was related to them; if they literally owned the child, by means of some sort of a monetary, goods or work exchange, it's kind of a different story). And the question, naturally is, "Why?"

FOR THE BETTERMENT OF SOCIETY!

That's right, because old people looked at how society could be made better in a way very different from how people today look at it. Children have always been looked at as the future (even though, with the elderly, it was often viewed this way in a resistant manner); now, many of the adults of today (for simplicities sake, we shall refer to them henceforth as "spineless yuppies") view this "children=future" equation with fear. They believe that their children will come back to get them if they are not weak and push-overs to their children. Spineless yuppies want nothing more than for their children to be flaccid, whiny underachievers who have never worked for things in their life. And the scary part about this is that they are largely succeeding. What they have failed to see, however, is that their children will come back to get them anyway, because they have not learned the basic purposes of life, and basically have not developed desirable qualities as humans.

Old people, on the other hand, tried often to raise their children to respect others and to contribute to society (and by this I mean actually help society through voting and being responsible, not by trying sell paintings on the street in San Francisco). Each child is different, but a good impact via hand generally does the trick in helping a child learn. This system has worked for so long, but for some reason it began changing within the last fifty years (I am ball-parking it. I don't know exactly when it changed, nor do I know why it changed. No research was done for this, beyond what I have observed.), and not for the better, jack!

If you aren't fired up about hitting children at this point in the blog, there's nothing that can be done for you. Obviously there are some exceptions to the rule; occasionally children grow up perfectly normal and well-adjusted and responsible and respectful DESPITE being shown no punishment as a child. But the fact of the matter is, the rest of the children who weren't taught by a wooden spoon against the upper thigh basically amount to a big ol' failure-pile.

Back to old people: here is a list of things that I think make today a better time to live in for old people (note: at this point, I have only one item in mind, so the list may turn out much worse than I originally intended. Or much better!)

A) These days, old people can tell neighborhood children not to play on their property and justify it because "my insurance doesn't cover one of your idiot kids getting hurt in my cinderblock garden." In the past, old people couldn't soften the blow; they just had to say, "don't play on my property because I'm old and my senility may cause me to discharge my firearms at your idiot offspring."

2) Laws today help keep old people driving automobiles despite the fact that they no longer have the reflexes or cognition to do so. Also, if an old person commits some awful traffic crime, they can get off without any real trouble. In the past, when an old person ran over a pedestrian and dragged him or her all the way into their driveway by means of a foot wedged in the bumper, they could face criminal charges and would certainly not drive again. Not anymore.

iii) On average (according to no real reports but rather my own imagination), the elderly have about twice as much time to complain and be crotchety as they used to, due largely to longer life expectancy. Think about it, if you could be basically guaranteed an extra seven years during which all you had to do was sit on your porch and talk about the failings of those around you . . . well, that would just be fantastic.

Four) Today, the government pays old people; do you know what the major qualifying stipulation of receiving social security is? NOT HAVING YET DIED! "Congratulations on another year, how would you like ten percent of a working person's pay check?" "Don't mind if I do!"

But seriously, everybody, let's relish the elderly. They have much to teach us (just like the [legal] aliens) and too often we put them in the back of our minds and take them for granted. And embrace getting old, as not everyone is given that privilege.

Wow, you guys. Kind of a somber note there at the end, right? This has been Ben, just reminding you all: beat your children!

"Dah dah daaah-dah dah dah daaah-da da da da da dadadada da. . . ."

-Carmen: Récit & Habanera: Quand Je Vous Aimerai?...L'amour Est un Oiseau Rebelle, a song often heard in movies and will stick in one's head; it's quite catchy. And it's opera. Oooh, sophisticated!

Spring Cleaning

Are you guys ready for March Madness? It's on. Seriously, right now, if you were to turn on your tv (as I'm writing this), you would be watching the opening of Florida vs BYU in Oklahoma. I love the tournament, because it gives all the deadbeat fathers with gambling problems a chance to recover from putting their faith in Peyton in February.

Here's something I have noticed (entirely unrelated to March Madness), and I would like you to play this scenario in your head:

a family has just ordered (do you use "ordered" or "hired" in this case?) a maid. (The family is clearly wealthy, and, let's be honest, probably caucasian. I don't like to pander to stereotypes, but the majority of wealthy people in the world are white [according to a census I just imagined], and white people loathe chores and housework in general.)

Is that image in your head, like a slowly running british movie with too much acting and too little storyline? If the answer is yes, skip the next sentence and continue reading. If your answer is no (people who answered yes, please stop reading this sentence!), reread the previous paragraph, but skip the parts that were parenthetical. Those are for our advanced readers, anyways. So, now that the original Yes people and the original No people have joined us, please imagine this next part: the woman of the wealthy family (because she was not always rich and feels slight guilt about making someone else do the tasks which are hers, as a woman [again, I don't like to pander to stereotypes, but vacuuming? Come on!]) cleans the house before the maid gets there. Now, if that story had been told in a more streamlined, understandable way, we would probably scoff and give a guffaw, that someone would clean a house which they have paid someone else to clean. Now, I don't think that maids are in the business of judging a family based on the cleanliness of a house (unless it's truly awful). However, I've noticed that people about to visit the dentist, whom they have paid to clean their teeth, tend to go through a sincere teeth cleaning process at home, and do you know why we do that? Because we all fear that the dentist will look at us and say, very condescendingly, "Have you been flossing?" We all know the answer to that is no, but we think that by flossing our teeth the morning of the dental appointment, we will be able to fool this guy. A word of advice: just because dentists aren't real doctors doesn't mean that they can't tell you've only flossed once since the last time you saw them. So here is my final point about dentists and maids: if maids went to maid school for as long as dentists go to dental school, then they could say, condescendingly, "Have you been dusting the credenza?"

At this point, I think that it is worth pointing out that the above topic made a whole lot of sense in my head. Now, as a rule, I haven't reread what I have written (I am afraid that I will second guess myself, delete it all and end up writing about celebrity gossip), so I don't know if it has any sort of flow. If you enjoyed it, leave a comment and tell somebody else how fantastic it was. If you hated it or didn't understand it, leave a comment and tell others it will get better and that it has huge potential.

Have you guys noticed (I think the answer will be no) that in Enterprise Rental commercials ("We'll pick you up"), the suited Enterprise employee always shows up alone? Since he brought the car, how does he get back to work? Or does he just hang out with you the whole time? Shouldn't Enterprise use the buddy system? It works for swimming and field trips. That's as close to a sure thing as you can get.

Speaking of swimming, at work I saw a product whose description I was shocked to read. It was a kickboard, a styrofoam board used for people who don't know how to swim and old people. However, the kickboard was marketed as a "Competition Kickboard." Are there competitions which involve kickboards? That's pretty weak, like a running race that has moving sidewalks you can use or a bicycle race where the bikes have cruise control.

At the conclusion of this blog, I would like to apologize to dentists everywhere for suggesting that they are not as good as other people who attended medical school. Dentists, you're just as relevant and authentic as other doctors. Good job.

". . . I'm dressed so fresh, so clean. . . ."

-Andre Benjamin, perpetuator of one of Hollywood's finest afros and an individual who likes shaking (epileptic?) women.

Wastin' away again in

I have discovered something about flying (on a jet, not physically mustering the ability to fly without a machine). I fly Southwest, for the simple reason that they are an inexpensive airline. But I believe that what I noticed is true for nearly all airlines: in order for me to board the plane quicker, I need to either lose my leg or purchase an infant. Now, this is something that many have you have probably also thought while watching the handicapable or child-burdened enter the jetway before you. I found myself wondering, however, how closely they check to see if the papoose you are holding is real. Could I get seating priority by carrying a doll?

I sat next to an obese person coming on one of my flights (thankfully one of a shorter nature). I had never before had to sit with my elbow on my crotch, my entire left side of my body collapsed like my muscles had intense dystrophy problems. That was extremely uncomfortable, and, when added with audible, struggled throat-breathing of the gentleman next to me, made for a largely unenjoyable flight. And I still feel that if he had only put the separating arm rest down between us, I would have been able to reach New Orleans without his warm, humid flesh reaching to me through his intolerably tight t-shirt.

But everyone complains about flying. We want more room, better snacks (Please bring back honey roasted peanuts with some sort of consistency! I can't handle salted any more!), a full can of drink, more attractive flight attendants (I miss the good ol' days when they were called Stewardesses and had to pass a visual test to serve drinks to cranky businessmen.) and the right to use our electronics in a continuous manner, from the time we enter the airport until we are in our city of destination (Really? My iPod is going to make the plane crash? I've never heard of that being the cause and I KNOW that some people aren't following the rule.). However, I think there is very little incentive for the airlines to provide us with everything we want, because there is very little customer loyalty. Let's be honest: if it were twenty dollars cheaper (and, obviously, some assurance of safety) to fly by giant slingshot to my destination, I would never step on a jet again. No real people ever turn down a cheap fare because "they don't offer moist towelettes and a compliment as I enter the aircraft." And people that do say that should be taken outdoors and beaten with Hot Wheels track sets (the old yellow, blue and red ones, that required creativity, not the new city block style play sets).

While in Florida, I had the delightful opportunity to eat at a restaurant known as "Margaritaville." As the name suggests, it is owned by Jimmy Buffett, singer and writer of the song after which the restaurant is named. It was a pretty cool atmosphere and the food was tasty (Although, after being charged $14.64 for a burger, I felt like I had been just slightly robbed. And they included the tip in the check! I didn't even get a chance to stiff them! I believe in paying food service people their full due [meaning: don't tick off the people who handle your food], but tipping wasn't always compulsory. What happened to earning your money?). In the restaurant, they had several large projection screens playing music videos, mostly of normal artists you would expect in a laid back restaurant, people like Ben Harper, Jason Mraz, John Mayer, et cetera; however, the rest of the songs were performed by, you guessed it, Jimmy Buffett. Unlike normal music videos, which show the band singing/playing a song, and perhaps showing a story to go along with it, Jimmy's videos followed this basic line:

1) Eight to ten seconds of Jimmy Buffett (with the nice red hue that only comes from spending too much time in the sun and being white) with a guitar player starting the song on a stage at a bar on a beach (wow, that's a lot of prepositions!)

2) Three and a half minutes of middle aged men and women getting absolutely PLASTERED. I don't mean they were playing with stucco, I mean they were consuming just about every known alcohol in every conceivable manner. This was usually interspersed with clips of these same stumbling 40- and 50-year olds dancing wildly (wildly meaning both provocatively and slightly unsteadily) to Jimmy Buffett music.

3) The final seconds show Jimmy and the band wrapping up the set.

All of this information has lead me to this conclusion: Jimmy Buffett music is like catnip for old people.

So that was my "vacation." On the final leg of my flight home I got to listen to three men discuss NASCAR at length. Never had I hoped for a plane crash so much in my life.

"I got my Hush Puppies on. . . ."

-Jimmy Buffett, sun-burnt and hard-partying 63-year old who was born on Christmas whose music has become widely lauded catnip for old people.